Help for those suffering from narcissism or NPD and an introduction to Steve’s site www.narcissism.com.au
Video Rating: 4 / 5
PLEASE WATCH PART TWO: www.youtube.com PLEASE HELP US SHARE THIS VIDEO! This NEW LEFT MEDIA film was produced and edited by Chase Whiteside (interviews) and Erick Stoll (camera). DONATE: Donations to New Left Media will go toward the production costs of future videos. Any contribution, no matter how small, will go a long way in keeping us online. bit.ly (will take you to PayPal) FACEBOOK: bit.ly TWITTER: twitter.com In May, 2009, the Maine Legislature extended marriage rights to gay and lesbian couples. As expected, opponents of equality, led by the National Organization for Marriage and the Catholic Church, petitioned to have those rights put to a vote by referendum. This film chronicles the final days of the on-the-ground campaign to protect marriage equality in Maine. The Democratic National Committee ignored the fight to protect marriage for all couples in Maine, neglecting to donate funds to the cause (even though they reportedly raised over a million dollars from gay donors in June of this year) or to mobilize potentially thousands of volunteers through its Organizing for America arm. The DNC even sent emails to voters in Maine urging them to help with Jon Corzine’s failed gubernatorial reelection in New Jersey, potentially diverting needed volunteers, but also showing that they deemed the fight for marriage equality unworthy of their attention. President Obama never acknowledged the NO ON ONE campaign. If marriage equality is to be fought for on a state-by-state …
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christinehaigh says:
September 9, 2011 at 10:25 am (UTC 0)
@Daltonn0810 your comment on here sucks, prig!!!
brelfan says:
September 9, 2011 at 10:49 am (UTC 0)
The problem with this disorder is that everyone who cheats on his or her spouse is a narcissist. They’re always selfish, and they always believe, or like to make others believe, they’re the victims. These folks are narcissists but it’s hard to label all of them as people with “disorders” at the same time. Couldn’t they just be assholes and rotten spouses?
bobbirobin says:
September 9, 2011 at 10:52 am (UTC 0)
How very brave of you to tell your story. It is very difficult for all of us to evaluate ourselves honestly, yet you must have had a long journey to get where you are. You should be proud of the man you are and should be given every opportunity to make amends. Those around you should be wary at the beginning but trust CAN be regained if you NEVER lie again. Your wife and family are lucky. Keep working on your family. Make sure your children learn well from you,& not repeat your actions
dwdk3 says:
September 9, 2011 at 10:52 am (UTC 0)
Narcissism is a bloody stone, not to be placed in positive of negative.
dwdk3 says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:01 am (UTC 0)
big deal…
stevecooper72 says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:16 am (UTC 0)
@wogelberg well, at least I gave it a try. And yes, I had to read my script because I am not a trained actor. Your local car dealer is quite capable of selling you a very nice car, so you should be nice to him, OK? Steve
stevecooper72 says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:32 am (UTC 0)
@Tyrone5683 hey thanks man. I know that it sometimes feels like no-one will understand you, but the world is not a completely harsh place. There are many people who will appreciate your courage to speak the truth, even if it isn’t always convenient to them. Steve
stevecooper72 says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:58 am (UTC 0)
@wogelberg well, at least I gave it a shot….anyway, you’re local car dealer is quite capable of selling you a good car, so be nice to him. Steve.
wogelberg says:
September 9, 2011 at 12:08 pm (UTC 0)
I the greasy guy from my local car dealership before i would believe a single word from this guy. this guy is just reading a lot of shit with no emotion. creapy..
Tyrone5683 says:
September 9, 2011 at 12:27 pm (UTC 0)
I really liked this video. For a long time now I’ve been self destructive in my relationships thinking it was other people’s problems and not my own. In romantic relationships things were worse. The more love I was showed the more I antagonized and pushed back or criticized. I never wanted to hurt anyone I just never knew why I was doing it. You said all the words I felt but couldn’t say and it was relieving to know I’m not the only one.
stevecooper72 says:
September 9, 2011 at 1:01 pm (UTC 0)
@KJKrowel We can help. I also once thought that it was hopeless and there was no cure. Kim is a wonderful person who has produced an excellent suite of resources. We are happier now than we have ever been. Kim and I are a team, we care for each other, we’ve taken our relationship to a new level of understanding and care of each other. I am the happiest I have ever been. Take a look at Kim’s sites, you won’t be sorry.
stevecooper72 says:
September 9, 2011 at 1:18 pm (UTC 0)
@bamboosa The struggle that you talk about will make you stronger. There is no great defining point when you are completely free of the abuse that you suffered, but you can decide to live a truly wonderful life, seeking out healthy options for yourself, including other people who live in gratitude. I’m glad you like the idea of this video/blog, thanks for the comments.
KJKrowel says:
September 9, 2011 at 1:47 pm (UTC 0)
Hello Steve and Kim,
I am a narcissist and I have been married to my wife for almost two years now. I’ve really put her through a lot and she has been patient with me by giving me chance after chance to make things right and treat her well. After going to marital counseling in our first year of marriage we discovered that I had NPD. I’ve looked everywhere for how to cure narcissism and have never found anything substantial or hopeful to make myself better and help me see what I am really doing.
bamboosa says:
September 9, 2011 at 1:50 pm (UTC 0)
You persevere. Very fucking cool. And a utube blog does help people, no matter what anybody says. People whose lives are being ravaged by a narcissist need to know that they are not alone and that change, though unlikely, is not impossible. I was raised by a narcissist and for the first 3 years of my life also by her mother, a veritable monster. I struggle everyday to shed the effects of that double horror.
kimandSteveCooper says:
September 9, 2011 at 2:43 pm (UTC 0)
@bamboosa – It took me 10 years of living hell to figure out how to break through Steve’s defenses. I agree with you about AA and know that wouldn’t have been good for Steve at all. In the first part of his recovery I supported him while he stayed home and helped with housework and learned to be himself with me and the kids. I also sheltered him from having to face anyone while we sorted out his debts. He is working now on breaking through his dads defenses and no it isn’t easy but can be done.
bamboosa says:
September 9, 2011 at 2:59 pm (UTC 0)
I only have 57 years of experience of dealing with narcissists, so…I have never, ever known a narcissist who chose to admit their nature. Even the ones that I witnessed in A.A. meetings could admit their alcoholism but they utilized the meeting itself as a source of ego enhancement. Congratulations.
kimandSteveCooper says:
September 9, 2011 at 3:49 pm (UTC 0)
@frecklydharma – Steve made this as a favor for me to help promote the Ebooks that I write. If he gets attention for encouraging men to become better husbands and parents I really don’t see a problem with that (-: Attention seeking is not so much the problem with NPD as aggression and deceptiveness and that has certainly changed.
Unhealthy Narcissism is the inability to acknowledge shame and if made to face that people can change. He is great to be around and we treasure Steve now (-:
Kim
frecklydharma says:
September 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm (UTC 0)
If your seeking help that’s good….but I agree its interesting that you have a youtube blog. The comments I read are all saying how good your doing, etc. Therefore giving you attention, which is what NPD like. Why do a blog? Youtube is about showing off and getting attention….that’s not really arguable. I imagine that those traits are still in your head, but if you are really working on changing then I wish you all the best. But those closest to you should be weary of the “new you.”
SM1135ster says:
September 9, 2011 at 5:29 pm (UTC 0)
you are the humbliest guy in the whole wide world!! and your wife is the most sacrificing woman ever!!
MmNatela says:
September 9, 2011 at 5:43 pm (UTC 0)
I’m a narcissist and it’s annihilated my life in so many ways. Yet I’m not seeking for a cure, cause I believe I have every right to be this way. I’m just trying to function in the society, relate to people more, see how I can adopt their liking, maybe so I could upgrade my manipulatory skills, but that’s what social interactions are in their core. This video is just undermining the importance of my being. It encourages shit people to think they are as good as/better than us.
gma617 says:
September 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm (UTC 0)
actually there isnt anymore abuse with him gone. He can no longer gaslight me emotionally or physically. I didnt mention, I have over 200 hours of audio tape anda couple hours of video tape. I felt I had to do this for my own protection in case I really did disappear off the earth as he said many many times.
The biggest problem I deal with is really coming to grips with the physical gaslighting which then led to severe emotional gaslighting. Yes, I have very disturbing video as well as audio
gma617 says:
September 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm (UTC 0)
actually there isnt anymore abuse with him gone. He can no longer gaslight me emotionally or physically. I didnt mention, I have over 200 hours of audio tape anda couple hours of video tape. I felt I had to do this for my own protection in case I really did disappear off the earth as he said many many times.
The biggest problem I deal with is really coming to grips with the physical gaslighting which then led to severe emotional gaslighting. Yes, I have very disturbing video as well as audio
kimandSteveCooper says:
September 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm (UTC 0)
@18leaT you’re entitled to your opinion 18leaT. All I can say is that this work requires vast amounts of humility and dedication. We have never aimed to be gurus – we are simply a good example of a couple that have turned a very poor relationship into a very good one. It’s nice to have supportive messages from others but mostly it has been quite an embarrassing way to have become ‘famous’….- Steve.
kimandSteveCooper says:
September 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm (UTC 0)
@gma617 Hey, thanks Naomi. I agree it will be harder to follow the advice once you have separated, but that isn’t to say you should give up either. It’s really about your growth and becoming more skilled at responding to abuse. From what we gather, there can sometimes be increases in the amount of abuse after separation, so learning new skills is vital. Take good care Naomi- Steve.
gma617 says:
September 9, 2011 at 7:04 pm (UTC 0)
Hi Steve this is Naomi from fb. This is the first time Ive seen this video. To hear your admitions gives me hope. The workbook is hard since he doesnt live in the house any longer. But I know I have yours & Kim’s support if needed. Thanks so much for being vulnerable and real. Kim and you Steve are to me a real God send.
CARSONART says:
September 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm (UTC 0)
Well edited. You are very talented
nnjhansen says:
September 9, 2011 at 7:47 pm (UTC 0)
@jcisbell The state interests are the only one’s that matter with regard to the state’s involvement.
The state is obligated to provide equal access, not equal results. Everyone has the same access to marriage. If, for reasons of your own, you choose not to satisfy the state’s requirements for marriage then the state has no obligation to change the requirements.
What are the state’s interests in the issuance of any license? Surely they exist independent of individual rights.
nnjhansen says:
September 9, 2011 at 8:19 pm (UTC 0)
@jcisbell What have I said that isn’t true?
What evidence do you require that I have failed to provide?
The piece you seem to miss is that the state plays a part in marriage because it serves a state interest to do so.
You do not believe the state should play a role, fine but to then move to it should play a role regardless of any state interest is contradictory.
None of those things you mention requires a marriage license.
jcisbell says:
September 9, 2011 at 8:33 pm (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen I never said I don’t want the state included. I said the state’s interests are not the only interests that matter. The state has an obligation to provide equal access to it’s citizens. I don’t even know what “state’s interests’ would be WITHOUT consideration for individual rights. You can’t make a thing so by merely repeating it.
jcisbell says:
September 9, 2011 at 9:21 pm (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen We obviously disagree and I’d be happy to leave it at that. But you keep saying things that either aren’t true or that you’ve already said – with no evidence. I actually agree that the state should have no part in marriage. SHOULD NOT, but they do. As such, the ONLY way for gay people to have FULL equality is to be allowed to marry. Not only insurance benefits, hospital visits and decision making, property rights, but societal participation without having to face prejudice. (more)
nnjhansen says:
September 9, 2011 at 9:35 pm (UTC 0)
@jcisbell Your concept of civil marriage requires no state input at all. Nothing stops people from pursuing their happiness in the absence of a license from the state. The marriage license adds nothing but include the state in the relationship. If you do not want the state included, do not ask it to become involved.
The state issues licenses to further society’s interests, not those of the individual licensee.
jcisbell says:
September 9, 2011 at 9:57 pm (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen (Pt 2) .. is in its own interest. Not so. The state exists to serve its citizens – all citizens. A basic element of any society is compromise. Not everyone can do what they want IF it hurts or impedes another to a measurably, agreed upon harmful degree. Societal interest in marriage also includes simple service to the individual. People ‘want’ to marry, to pursue happiness. That’s their right. As to state’s interest; it can be argued that it is best to allow gay marriage.
jcisbell says:
September 9, 2011 at 10:29 pm (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen (Pt 1) The thing about an ‘argument’, even a logical one like yours, is that it always depends upon definitions. A ‘trick’ to appearing to have made a good argument is to ‘control’ the definitions. I don’t accept your definitions as ‘all inclusive’. That is, they don’t cover all relevant cases. I’ve already answered your question, but you want to force me to answer regarding the ‘states’ interest and you imply that the ONLY reason for the state to issue a marriage license.. (see Pt 2)
nnjhansen says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:20 pm (UTC 0)
@jcisbell Civil marriage is a legal institution intended to serve a societal/state interest, that is why the state is involved and issues a license. I am asking what you believe that interest is.
If marriage is meant to serve the interest which it has been acknowledged to serve throughout our history, it is reasonable to condition marriage on a general capacity to satisfy that interest. That means one man and one woman is the only relationship that can satisfy the interest.
jcisbell says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:38 pm (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen Society’s interest as recorded by a study? If so, I don’t know. If you mean, what do I think it should be, I don’t know that I have a strong opinion about that. I’m only concerned with individual liberty in this case. I think society has an interest in preserving the principal of equal rights and the pursuit of happiness. I do recognize that many people and courts believe gays should not marry. That’s what the discussion is about. Majority opinion has NEVER defined what is right.
nnjhansen says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:38 pm (UTC 0)
@jcisbell Your opinion, unlike those of the numerous courts (which cite the legislative record) is not indicative of society’s intention regarding marriage as demonstrated by the intent of the legislature in passing the various marriage statutes.
What do you believe society’s interest in marriage is?
jcisbell says:
September 9, 2011 at 11:54 pm (UTC 0)
@quintessential37 I used to think that and in some ways do. But, because ‘marriage’ has been legal for so long, the only way to give equality to gays is to make ‘marriage’ available to them. But I don’t think churches should be forced to provide it.
jcisbell says:
September 10, 2011 at 12:14 am (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen Well, I appreciate you citing some interesting quotes. However, respectfully, these opinions do not persuade. They are opinions. My opinion differs and is, in my opinion (which I can defend) more valid.
jcisbell says:
September 10, 2011 at 12:53 am (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen In that, they are right. It’s easy to gather fear based support. Yet, there is nothing to fear. Even “changing the definition” would do nothing to you or me. If I’m wrong, tell me how, please.
nnjhansen says:
September 10, 2011 at 1:15 am (UTC 0)
@jcisbell “But for children, there would be no need of any institution concerned with sex.”…
“[I]t is through children alone that sexual relations become of importance to society, and worthy to be taken cognizance of by a legal institution.” Bertrand Russell,Marriage & Morals
“The institution of marriage as a union of man and woman, uniquely involving the procreation and rearing of children within a family” Baker v. Nelson, (Minn. 1971)
nnjhansen says:
September 10, 2011 at 2:02 am (UTC 0)
@jcisbell Until the past decade there has been no history of same sex marriage in our nation’s history or in our Common law tradition. Federal law defines marriage as “only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife.” State laws obviously vary but for example CA defines marriage as “a personal relation arising out of a civil contract between a man and a woman” and in NC it “is created by the consent of a male and female person.”
jcisbell says:
September 10, 2011 at 2:30 am (UTC 0)
Alderson, Kevin; Lahey, Kathleen A. (2004). Same-Sex Marriage: The Personal and the Political. Insomniac Press. p. 16. ISBN 978-1-894663-63-2. This book lists several types of same sex marriage that have been sanctioned over the centuries. But that only addresses your claim. My claim is that the law only describes “who may marry” not “what marriage is”. I think I’m correct about that, though I have no reference. In any case, that is what I mean. Also, “societal purpose” is still on the table.
nnjhansen says:
September 10, 2011 at 3:15 am (UTC 0)
@jcisbell Redefining marriage is precisely what is being proposed.
The law does say what marriage is, at the federal level and in most states.
The societal purpose of marriage has been recognized by courts, legislatures, philosophers, scholars, and the people for centuries.
jcisbell says:
September 10, 2011 at 3:19 am (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen Ooooh, so close to a logical statement, then you went and brought up redefining marriage which no one has proposed. Marriage is what it is, couples of the same sex are prohibited from taking part in marriage. That is the law. The law says nothing about what marriage is. It only talks about who can participate. Also, “societal purpose”? According to whom? You don’t get to “pronounce” that and make it so.
kellyannabama says:
September 10, 2011 at 3:51 am (UTC 0)
@quintessential37 very true
TheEllampalli says:
September 10, 2011 at 4:50 am (UTC 0)
1:37 Wtf is that guy eating?
VideoExpostulations says:
September 10, 2011 at 5:33 am (UTC 0)
“President Obama was elected cashing our checks and making promises to our community, but so far he has failed to be the “fierce advocate” for gay rights that he said he would be.” — Yeah, that’s not the only thing he lied about, but then, he’s a politician, what else did anyone ignorantly expect. I don’t believe any of them anymore. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
quintessential37 says:
September 10, 2011 at 6:07 am (UTC 0)
Actually, marriage is a religious ritual and should not be supported by the gavernment. Civil unions should be the law for all.
nearfantastica8888 says:
September 10, 2011 at 6:33 am (UTC 0)
Music for Airports! Good Choice.
seahorse05 says:
September 10, 2011 at 6:39 am (UTC 0)
@nnjhansen “Redefining marriage?” Not at all. Lakota chief Crazy Horse had one or two male spouse(s) and many other Native American nations also had same-sex marriages. Ethnographers have documented this. Some examples: Omahas, Zapotecs, Mohaves, Crow, Ojibwas, Winnebagos, Yumas and Timucuas. Other cultures too: In 17th century Fukian Province China, same-sex marriages between gay men seem to have been common. And in West Africa; “woman marriage[s]” –a practice by many tribes in the past.